filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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