Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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