You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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