why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
