His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I supernannyed him into submission
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
