they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
