the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
