What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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