The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
