I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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