Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
