Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
