tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
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I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
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The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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