Don't make out with my wife yet
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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