So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
