two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
