I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
