The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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