neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
