It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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