I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
