The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
