I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Your cock deserves a montage
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
