i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
