When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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