I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Your penis caused this!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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