do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
