Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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