its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
