He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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