i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
