He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
