Need sex. Gaining weight.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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