at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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