I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
