Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
