You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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