Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
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And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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