you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
