She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
