Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
