I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
