I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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