i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
