yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
MIDGETS
????
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
