Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
