why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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