someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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