I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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