I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
