Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
