I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
