Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
