Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
