Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
