im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
